Wind, Rain and Delivery Men

I sit here, waiting for yet another delivery and wondering if this whole internet christmas thing is such a good idea. Yes, you can find pretty much anything on the old 'super-highway' but it isn't without its own problems.

I first started ordering gifts online about seven years ago. Within a couple of years, "Sorry your present hasn't arrived yet" became a familiar chant in the Cookman household on December 25th. There were always two or three gifts that remained MIA until some time in January. There was also the danger of it being the wrong thing/size and the problems of sending it back. In the old days, you simply kept the receipt and handed it over to the person (in my dads case, he simply gave my mum the receipt and not the present as he thought it would be quicker) so they could go to the shop and exchange it. It's not that simple with Amazon etc.

This brings me to the modern joy of christmas. The Delivery Dance. It's a series of complex moves, carried out between you and the postman.

Firstly, don't even think about ordering anything from a company that doesn't use Royal Mail. These other delivery companies seem to be on a 'no-delivery' bonus system. The more times they fail to deliver your package, the more money they get. That can be the only explanation for it. I've seen them writing out the little "Sorry" cards while still sat in the van. I don't think the packages are even on board. Just stacks of "Sorry" cards. This is after you've taken a day off work to sit right next to the bloody door. Hand hovering by the door-handle. Flask of tea and a bucket for emergencies, by your side. Too scared to get the washing out of the machine that you stupidly put on hours ago and will soon need re-washing. The online parcel-tracking software telling you it left the depot this morning at 6am (it is now 3:30pm). No matter what you do, you WILL miss the delivery. This means a trip to their depot in Aberdeen to get your matchbox-sized parcel, that was apparently too big for your letterbox but it's only open every second wednesday.

This brings me on to the Royal Mail and Parcel Farce. They have the bonus of having (at least at the moment) sorting offices all over the place. This is very handy. You miss your delivery as you knew you would because the postie now comes at two in the afternoon instead of early in the morning but you get one of those nice red cards. I'm lucky that my sorting office is only a few streets away (at least at the moment) so you would think that it's all plain sailing. Wrong.

The nice card informs me that I can pick up my "packet" any time after 24hours have elapsed, between the hours of 8am and 1pm, for the next 7 days accept sunday. So I inform my boss that I'll be late to work and next morning, head to the sorting office. The queue stretches out the door, down the ramp and along the side of the building. This is at 8am on the dot. Luckily I am english and therefore, good at queueing. At around 8:30am I get to the front door from where I can see people talking with the staff about what their parcel might look like, who might have sent it and why they can't come back tomorrow to do this all again. It's then I notice a sign on the wall about Christmas Extended Opening Times........ 8am until 3pm ...............

*takes a second to calm down*

The reason people miss their delivery at 3 in the sodding afternoon is because they are still at sodding work. Keeping the sodding sorting office open for a few extra hours in the sodding afternoon isn't going to make one iota of sodding difference. If you work for a living and can't pick up a parcel at midday, what difference does three in the sodding afternoon make? There's a queue around the block at eight in the morning. Does this not tell you something?

*slow intake of breath*

Anyway, the gigs are going well. Three this weekend and a few more over christmas. Hope to see you at one or more of them. It's ok, I'm calm again now.

.....Oooh, is that the door?